


leave me (or rip me apart)

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Crying, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, One Night Stands, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 04:19:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11283621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Seung-gil goes to JJ's wedding, knowing it'll break his heart.





	leave me (or rip me apart)

**Author's Note:**

> a warning for implied abuse. also i wrote seung-gil as him having bpd, which wasn't really planned and just happened.
> 
> enjoy!

If Seung-gil is being completely honest, he wasn't invited to JJ's wedding. He didn't get a flowery invitation with an address, a phone number and a hope of him coming. He didn't have to bypass anyone— it was as if the way more famous skater just wanted anyone and everyone to come.

But he knows he wouldn't like him here.

He maintains his low profile, his serious expression. He doesn't like to be called emotionless, although that's what he's known as being. He feels, hell, he feels too much, but he doesn't express it. He doesn't like the repercussions of the wrong emotions at the wrong time.

His head buzzes with too many thoughts as he clicks the pen he brought again and again. He doesn't want to see JJ get married, but his impulsiveness got the best of him and he's now here. He knows exactly what he'll feel when he sees him kiss Isabella, he knows exactly how he'll feel when they say to speak now or forever hold your peace.

He still feels JJ's kiss on his neck, JJ's soft groans as he melted against his touch. He likes to believe he's repulsed to romance, that he hates affection, but he's touch-starved enough to fall in love with someone he slept with once. Being vaguely drunk and JJ black out intoxicated didn't help what happened that night.

He likes to say JJ is arrogant, that he's a prick, but even though he can be a prick he's really not all that terrible outside of the rink. When he watched the Grand Prix Final in his computer, his dog near him, he felt both pity and adoration as he broke down.

Stop thinking, he tells himself as he keeps clicking the pen. He hears the footsteps of someone and he feels his blood turn to ice when he looks up and sees Isabella.

"Hey, Seung-gil! Didn't know you would come."

"You didn't invite me," he says, trying not to grit his teeth. He thinks of remaining serious, _emotionless_. "It's okay, though. I just wanted to see JJ get married." He's good at lying— his mother probably helped with that, but he doesn't like thinking about it.

Isabella blinks a few times. "He doesn't talk about you... you're friends?" she puts her black hair in the back of her ear and he feels like his heart quickens, but he just clicks his pen two more times.

"Not really, no," he says. He feels like he's being interviewed, which he's never liked in the slightest. The questions are never about his private life— people only care about skating when talking with skaters— but it just irritates him.

Isabella smiles. Her wedding dress is white and gets to the floor, and a passing thought pictures him in a tuxedo, at JJ's side. He tries not to hiss; he hates his mind, his thoughts.

"You want anything to drink?"

 _No; I want to suffer in plenty during this_ or _Yes; I want to embarrass myself in plenty during this_. Two options, each equally awful. He clicks his pen a few more times until he catches Isabella's raised eyebrow and peeved expression. "Sure."

"I've got wine and vodka."

"Beer isn't formal enough?" Seung-gil says, and Isabella chokes down a laugh. His expression is as serious as it can be— he hates feeling vulnerable, but there's a gleam of amusement in his dark eyes. "Can I have some vodka?"

"Sure," Isabella nods as they walk towards one of the tables. She serves him a glass of the alcoholic beverage and he takes a sip. He ends up seeing Isabella leave to her husband and he feels empty before he downs the rest of the glass.

He hears Otabek, the best man tell people to go and sit down to watch his friend get married. Seung-gil walks uncertainly towards one of the benches and hopes no one will sit next to him.

Someone does, however. "Leo?" he mutters, trying not to bite his lip. The Latino boy looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "You were invited?"

"Guang-hong was, and he kind of dragged me into this. What about you?"

"I got to know and came, uninvited. JJ isn't aware, I think." His voice is quite quiet and reserved, but he can notice the strain in his voice, the way he's feeling too much and not enough at the same time.

"Why'd you come?"

Seung-gil sighs. "No good reason." And he really doesn't have a _good_ reason, he just wants to feel shitty out of impulse. He clicks his pen and Leo notices.

"Nervous?"

Seung-gil remains silent. Leo understands the unspoken yes, but doesn't ask why— he's not the one getting married in front of dozens of people, after all.

The ceremony starts as Isabella walks to the aisle, and Seung-gil's ears ring. JJ is there, in his formal outfit and his hair styled. He feels like he just wants him to take him, to kiss him silly like he did what feels like decades ago.

Emptiness follows as they read the discourse that sounds taken from every marriage he's seen in his twenty-one years of life. It's so typical he doesn't even pay attention until the priest says "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

He wants to scream 'I object!', talk about how much he loves JJ, how he fell in love the night they slept together. But he knows he can't, and his mind keeps repeating for him to do it, to just get kicked out of the fucking wedding, and he finds himself gritting his teeth and feel shame spread through his chest.

 _I didn't take enough vodka_ , he can't help but think. Everything would've gone worse if he had, but he wouldn't be here feeling empty and bitter.

When JJ says "I do", quiet, full of feeling, full of love, he can't help it. He starts sobbing, his jaw clenching and the tears hot as they fall down his cheeks. Leo looks at him with wide eyes, probably because he's Seung-gil, the emotionless, calculating skater. He seems to understand this isn't over joy of his friend getting married, but he doesn't say anything.

When Isabella and JJ kiss, Seung-gil claps along while tears still escape from his eyes. He feels ashamed, how he let his emotions take control of him, how he's crying in front of a skater he doesn't know much. His mom's voice echoes through his mind, and the way she said 'you're weak' still haunts him.

When JJ and Isabella walk down the aisle, flowers following them, JJ looks at Seung-gil and Leo's bench for a few seconds, almost stopping in his tracks. He glances at Seung-gil with a raised eyebrow and he seems to _know_ , like he's reading his thoughts, his emotions.

And oh god, Seung-gil fucking hates it.

JJ smiles at Leo, nods and then kisses his now wife with all the love in the world. Seung-gil knows he isn't doing it to show him how he doesn't give a flying fuck about him, but he feels lke his insides are on fire and jealousy is eating him alive.

He can't do this— the tears are making his vision blurry. He gets up with shaky steps and gets to the bathroom, slamming the door of one of the toilets shut. He puts his face behind his hands and lets quiet sobs escape, the spams wracking his body.

Oh God, he's awful, he's fucking disgusting. He feels full of self hatred, of jealousy, of anger. He feels too much, and he feels like he's drowning in the way his heart drums against his ears violently.

Someone knocks on the door what feels like hours later. He's still shaking, the memory of JJ kissing Isabella right after seeing him cry printed in his brain. He doesn't answer but he manages to open the lock, and the person notices because they open the door.

It's Yuuri Katsuki. "Seung-gil? Are you alright?" his voice is full of worry and he seems to be nervous, as if he expects Seung-gil to lash out. The thought makes his skin itch— he's a monster in the eyes of everybody. A cold-hearted monster.

"Why would I be crying if I was?" he retorts, though his face is still wet with tears and he's forcing himself to stop shaking.

"You can tell me," Yuuri says, trying to reach up to touch his hair. Seung-gil reacts and slaps his hand off him without thinking. "I—"

"Can you leave me alone?" he asks, and Yuuri seems to be shocked by how his voice is so broken, so quiet. He doesn't seem like the facade he puts during competitions, of being cold, heartless, calculating. He wants to apologize, but his pride stops him from doing so.

"Yeah. Sorry."

Yuuri leaves in silence, and Seung-gil hides his face on his hands before kicking his foot against the door. He feels so furious with himself, because of how he's so overridden by jealousy. He can't do this.

He takes his tie out and puts it in his pocket, impulsiveness coursing through his veins like a drug. His head feels like it's in the clouds as he walks out of the rest room. He realizes he forgot his pen somewhere and sighs before looking for JJ.

When he finds him, he's talking with Otabek about something his ear doesn't catch. He wants to slap him, to kiss him, to hug him, to tell him everything, but he can't. JJ looks at him with a raised eyebrow when he gets closer. He doesn't know what to do.

"Your eyes are red," is the first thing JJ says to him that day.

Seung-gil exhales, and a sad smile falls on his face. "I know." He wants to do a billion things; he wants to yell at him, he wants to punch him, he wants to kiss him, but he can't. He can't, he can't, he can't. Cowardly, weak, cold. He shakes his head.

He's about to just run and leave when JJ's hand gets closer to his, and he feels himself straighten up when his hand wraps around his. "Have a good evening, Seung-gil," he says, a sincere smile on his face.

He doesn't know? He doesn't remember? He doesn't remember the way their skin touched? The way their lips brushed? Seung-gil feels like he's sick to the pit of his stomach. He still thinks of the feeling of JJ's nails against his back, small scratches going through his pale skin there for weeks.

He closes his eyes, breathes out a "Thank you" and leaves without prompting. He thinks he's going to die. He's been living off the thought of JJ remembering, of him feeling the same as him, of him kissing him when he's sober.

And now he knows he doesn't remember he had sex with him. He knows he isn't aware, and maybe just thinks he has a stupid crush on him. It's true, after all— it's a stupid, unrealistic crush on someone he had a drunken one night stand with.

He's just so touch-starved. His coach doesn't care much about him, his mother has been in prison for a few years (it's not like he wants to be near her), his father has been out of his life for over a decade.

He needs to love someone, to have someone love him back. He feels empty inside as he starts his car, and he doesn't want to start crying again. He's fucking weak, fucking cowardly. JJ will never know, and he'll just be there, standing, watching him be married from the distance.

As he drives back to the place he's staying on in Canada he sees a gay bar. He can't help but raise his eyebrow in sudden interest. He stops the motor in the street next to it and licks his lips.

He closes the door of his car after getting out of it, and he just notices the smell of alcohol when he enters the bar. He sees guys making out in the corner and the stench of sex is heavy on some parts of the building.

He stretches and takes out his hoodie before nodding and taking a seat.


End file.
